Participant Page 12

  She looks surprised to hear that.

  The elevator dings our arrival on the first floor. She doesn’t step out. Neither do I. The doors open and close while we stand in silence. She lets out a deep sigh, then her face visibly softens.

  “It’s not that I want to be this way,” she says softly.

  I have to lean forward a bit so I can hear her.

  “My dad works for a global company and we moved around a lot for his career. I didn’t get to go to the same schools with all the same friends. I always had to be the new girl, and kids took one look at me and decided they hated me or befriended me only to decide they hated me later. I’d show up half way through the school year and get the lead part in a play, be a year ahead of them in math or get too much attention from their boys. It was always something. The harder I tried to make everyone like me, the less they did. I stopped trying and focused on myself and doing what I needed to do to prove I was as good as, if not better than, them, whether they liked me or not.”

  Her experience was far different than mine. I was always on the outside looking in too, but for different reasons. People didn’t hate me, but they didn’t necessarily want to be my friend either. I wasn’t talked about or envied, just politely excluded; which led me to believe there was something wrong with me. There was nothing wrong with Tessa, unless you count being too perfect. She developed a hard exterior, and I tried to disappear.

  Tessa looks down at the floor. “I felt like nothing I ever did was good enough. I couldn’t be pretty enough or smart enough to get people to like me or to get what I wanted out of life. I know what I want and I’ve done everything I can to make it happen, in spite of everyone. I’m close, but I’m never quite where I want to be, and all I can see are those girls who wanted me to fail.”

  I definitely know that feeling. Well, the feeling of not being where I want to be. I don’t think I’m close to anything, though. To be close to something, I’d have to know what it is I want. Then I’d need the confidence to go after it. She has that going for her, at least.

  “God, how ridiculous is it that we still carry high school baggage around with us even in our twenties. I mean, we all know by the time we graduate what an insignificant blip on the radar of life that a stupid high school social hierarchy is, so why can’t we move on and let it go already?”

  Tessa shrugs her shoulders and shakes her head, staring thoughtfully into space.

  “I was never popular either, and to this day, I still let it define me. I try to blend into the background because I’m afraid of being judged or rejected.” Maybe the reason I never had too many friends is because I didn’t think I deserved any.

  “You are beautiful Tessa. I’ll never be as pretty or as mean as you—I say that in the most constructive way possible. But we really aren’t so different. You aren’t so different. It doesn’t have to be you against everyone else all the time. There’s no reason you can’t start giving people a chance. High school is over.”

  “Well, they weren’t so nice to me in college either,” she replies.

  “Oh, just like none of us were nice to you after you strutted in here and ignored everyone?” I say sarcastically.

  “Yeah,” she says with a small smile, nodding her head.

  We stand there for a minute, lost in thought, neither one sure what to say next.

  “So, now that we’re friends, do you want to have a slumber party in the elevator or should we get out and go home?” We hit the ground floor at least five minutes ago and were so into our conversation, we never bothered to get out.

  “I think sleeping at home would be more comfortable,” she agrees jokingly.

  We laugh as I push the open door button and we step into the lobby. “Well, I guess I’ll see you next week.”

  “Yeah, see ya,” she says, waving.

  There’s still so much I don’t get about this girl, but I’ve actually cracked the surface at least. That’s something I would have never done before, and it feels good to have taken a chance and reached out. It’s just one small gesture. One little step. You never know where those can lead until you try.

  Chapter 17

  The surprise bridal shower we’ve all been secretly buzzing about the last few weeks is finally coming to fruition. Most of the office staff gathers in the break room, waiting for Sarah to finish the staged meeting set up as a distraction by our supervisor Jan while the official party organizers flit about the room, making sure everything is in place. Michelle neatly stacks turquoise napkins and fancy matching paper plates edged in silver foiling beside a spread of finger foods. Angela adds a giant bowl of pre-tossed Caesar salad then darts across the room, shouting additional instructions at Michelle. Current Confections, which is currently filming season two of its very own reality show, delivered the ornately decorated cake earlier this morning. Supposedly, the tasting waitlist is a mile long, and their prices have grown alongside their popularity, so I don’t know how they pulled that one off. A bouquet of black and turquoise mylar helium balloons with Here’s to the Bride written in bold script bob up and down in the corner until Michelle grabs the turquoise stream of ribbons tying them together, leading them over to the cake table. I have to admit, they did a good job pulling everything together. I watch their hasty preparations with a sly smile on my face. Michelle and I exchange conspiratorial glances when she notices me standing near the cake.

  A few minutes later, Jan walks in followed by an unsuspecting Sarah, setting off a round of applause and cheer. Sarah is so startled and confused by the sudden burst of life in our typically monotone office, she backs out of the room and the heavy door automatically shuts closed in front of her. Jan turns to see that she is no longer behind her, opens the door and pulls her back into the room. Her mouth and eyes pop wide open. Her eyes tear up as she takes in the decorations, food and cluster of co-workers gathered to celebrate her nuptials. She’s either a really good actor and should sign up for Earl’s acting class or we were really good at keeping this secret from the resident eyes and ears of the office, which is no easy feat.

  “Oh my god,” she sputters. “I had no idea!”

  I wonder if she’s more shocked about the actual shower itself or the fact that something finally happened in this office she didn’t find out about first.

  “How did you do this?”

  Angela takes the stage front and center, impeccably dressed in her perfect I only buy suits from Ann Taylor two-piece set even though it’s casual Friday. “Sarah. You’re such a bright spot in the office. You’re always that person with a smile on your face, cheering everyone up when we’re getting slammed with claims. We’re all so happy for you and Jason and just wanted to congratulate you on your wedding and show you how much we all appreciate you.” She gives Sarah a hug.

  Sarah mouths oh my god in my direction. I catch Angela smirking at me out of the corner of my eye, so I smirk back.

  “The gift,” Angela says, motioning toward Michelle. But she’s surprised and confused to see her point at me.

  I walk over to one of the cabinets by the sink and pull out three beautifully wrapped gifts matching the turquoise and black motif.

  Angela walks over to Michelle and I can hear her hissing, undoubtedly wondering why I have Sarah’s presents in my hands when she left Michelle in charge of organizing the money and shopping for a present.

  One day, I was walking outside on my break to grab something from my car when I saw Angela and Michelle talking. Before either of them saw me coming, I overheard Angela asking Michelle about how the gift shopping was going in her usual bossy way.

  “You collected the money from everyone weeks ago and you haven’t found a gift yet? The shower is literally in two weeks. What are you waiting for?”

  “Sorry, Angela, I got sick and was out. I’m barely getting over it. On top of that, this constant morning sickness is really draining. I don’t know what to get her and I haven’t had time or energy to go out shopping.”

  “I only left you in c
harge of one thing. I would have done it myself but between barely getting settled at home, a kitchen renovation and organizing everything else, you know I don’t have time.”

  Angela saw me walking toward them at this point and lowered her voice. By the time I headed back to the office, they were gone and I knew exactly what I could do to get involved in Sarah’s bridal shower despite Angela. Later that day, I spoke to Michelle and floated the conversation toward Sarah’s shower.

  She sneezed about three times and wiped her red, raw nose with a tissue. “I’m still trying to get over this horrible cold. I can’t even think about shopping right now. I don’t know what to do.”

  “Look, I know Sarah better than anyone in the office. I have no problem going out and finding something for her.”

  “No, you can’t. Angela put me in charge of it. You know how she is. I’ll figure something out.”

  She sneezed again. This time I think it was five times in a row, but I lost count.

  “Oh my gosh, Michelle. You poor thing. You can’t be running around trying to shop for a gift in your condition. You should probably be home in bed right now. Just don’t say anything. Bring me the money tomorrow and I’ll find something. Angela will be so glad we have the perfect gift, she won’t even care who got it.”

  Michelle looked at me with tired, watery, red-rimmed eyes and sighed. “Fine. Thank you. I’m too tired to deal with it.”

  She brought me the money the next day and that weekend, I hit the internet for ideas then the mall in search of the perfect gift.

  I hand Sarah two of the boxes while Angela glares at me behind her back.

  “These gifts are from all of us.”

  “Thank you so much everyone!” She squeals and places the larger box on the table to unwrap it. Gift one is a cookbook for two. Jason and Sarah are both foodies and Sarah loves to cook. She comes from a big Mexican family, so she’s used to cooking for lots of people and she’s always complaining about how there is always too much food and Jason won’t eat left over’s. I knew this would be perfect for her to help her scale it down.

  “It’s perfect,” she says, flipping through the pages. “I didn’t even know there was a cook book like this.”

  Gift two is a slightly sexy, flirty apron for her to wear when she cooks. It’s useful, she’ll look super cute in it, and Jason gets to feast his eyes on her wearing it, so its a win-win.

  “I love it,” Sarah exclaims, holding the apron in front of her. She turns to the tiny third box. I put the rest of the money toward a gift card to Mister A’s, the restaurant where they had their first date. It’s expensive and Jason can afford to take her there on his own, but it was more the sentiment behind it than anything else behind that one. Angela’s eyes are boring into the side of my face.

  “I love everything. Thank you so much, everyone! You can’t believe how much I appreciate this.”

  I raise my voice to speak over the clapping and at the same time, can’t believe I’m doing it. In the past, I’ve been so nervous speaking out loud that I couldn’t even say my name right at work meetings, but here I am volunteering, unforced, to speak in front of everyone. I thought about giving this to Sarah on her wedding, but the opportunity to irk Angela even further combined with the excitement of sharing this with everyone at work urged me to do it now. I launch into what is practically a speech for me.

  “I have a special gift that I want to give to Sarah now. I thought it would be nice to give it to her early instead of waiting for the wedding so she could open it here in front of you all and come home to it before and after her wedding. These two are the real deal. They are soul mates and I wish them the best.”

  Sarah’s eyes fill with tears again after she opens my gift.

  One day, on our lunch break, Sarah and I were out at Black Angus and she took a picture out of her purse and slid it across the table to me.

  “It’s the first picture Jason and I ever took together.”

  “What! An actual real picture? I haven’t touched one of these in a long time,” I said, taking it from her. “This is practically an artifact.”

  “I know! I haven’t printed out a photo in years.”

  The look on both their faces was of total bliss, with the sun just starting to set behind them and their arms wrapped around each other. It was their third date.

  “I’ve been feeling like things are too good to be true. I need hard proof that I can look at whenever I want to remind myself that he is real. Not an iPhone pic. A real picture.”

  “That’s so sweet. You must really be falling for him.”

  “I am. And I hope it never ends,” she said thoughtfully, munching on her French fries while I looked on with envy.

  I thought it would be really sweet if I got that picture made into a canvas painting for them. I paid extra for rush service, but it was worth it.

  A tear slips down her face in earnest when she takes the painting out and holds it up for everyone to see.

  “Oh my goodness, this is the first picture Jason and I ever took together.” She holds up the painting and a collective aww swells across the room.

  “You remembered that picture,” she says, hugging me.

  “Of course I did.”

  “Wait a minute, how did you get that picture?” she asks.

  “Well, Jason might have had a little something to do with it. I can get really sneaky when I need to.”

  As if to move the attention away from us, Angela quickly announces that Sarah will cut the first slice of cake then everyone can help themselves to food and cake whenever they want to. The room clears out as some people help themselves to food and others head back to the trenches. I can only imagine how many voicemails we have collectively received in the time it took for us to have our little celebration.

  Michelle walks over to me. “Great job on the gifts, and thank you so much.”

  “No problem,” I reply. “You were in no condition for shopping. Feeling better?”

  “Much better.” She breathes a sigh of relief. She certainly looks a whole lot better.

  “Is she really mad?” I ask, nodding my head in Angela’s direction.

  She’s across the room, fielding questions about how she managed to acquire that amazing cake, still in full on party planner mode. “Well, my husband knew someone who knew someone else and they wanted to work with us even on such short notice so...it all fell into place.”

  Michelle lowers her voice a notch to be on the safe side. “She was practically breathing fire out of her nostrils.” She shakes her head. “She’ll probably rip me a new one after this, but she’ll get over it. I’m over it.”

  “You know, you really shouldn’t let her boss you around the way she does.”

  “Yeah, I know. Our husbands work together. Her husband is the big boss and she’s the big personality. I guess somehow that dynamic has seeped into our relationship.” She shrugs her shoulders. “She’s a really loyal friend. Deep down, she has a really good heart. She doesn’t like anyone to see that side of her, for some reason. All the world’s a show as far as she’s concerned.”

  “Well, it doesn’t have to be,” I reply.

  She nods her head in agreement.

  Angela looks angrily in our direction so I take that as my cue to leave.

  “See you later,” I say, with quick wave to Sarah as I head back to the mountain of work waiting for me at my desk. I glance at the clock and sigh. Only six more hours left to go.

  Chapter 18

  I tried my best to pull out a decent outfit on Tuesday morning for the first day of modeling class. Tearing my closet apart accomplished nothing. I’ll be coming home to a mess of clothes strewn across my bed, but still, nothing looked right. Too tight, too baggy, too blah, too, too, too! Pulling up the straps on one of my new Victoria’s Secret bras made me think of those Angels stalking down the runway every year on TV, with fire in their eyes and girl next door smiles on their faces. Unfortunately, I didn’t sprout wings to fly away or legs a
mile long.

  Grabbing another chip I probably shouldn’t be eating on top of the candy I’ve been inhaling, I take a bite, pondering my financial situation nearly a year after the beginning of the end of my relationship with Will, and five months in my own apartment.

  Adding an extra $200.00 payment per month to my credit card for Chloe Dillon’s on top of my other bills has started to take its toll. It’s funny because you don’t realize how broke you are right away. Apparently, there’s some kind of lag effect and it takes a few months for the fallout to start impacting—or should I say ruining—your life. When I initially did the numbers, I knew it would be tight, but I don’t think I’d settled into my new monthly rent payment long enough before I took on the Chloe Dillon payment to realize how badly it was going to hurt. They put $400.00 per month on my credit card but I fully intended to stay on top of the balance by paying $200.00 per month. Two months later, I can no longer keep up. My credit card balance was already spiraling out of control from moving expenses. After bills, rent, utilities, car payment and gas, I barely have $200.00 bucks to last me until the end of the month for groceries and anything else I need. How long before the ship sinks?

  I was so excited when I found out what I’d be making at Silver. It seemed like so much money until the reality of day to day living kicked me in the face. I was a broke college student for four years and as a reward, I get to be a broke working adult. I never expected to be rich, but I didn’t expect to earn a degree, get a full time entry-level job and barely manage to pay bills. How do people with children do it?

  Sabrina pulls into the parking spot next to me in her sporty Navy Blue Audi and I wonder how much I’d need to make per year to afford a car like that. I swallow the last bite of my peanut butter sandwich, scowling. Sabrina pulls open the passenger side door, heaving her body into the seat.