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  I’ve learned how to shop smart and how to dress for your body type, but what good is this information if I don’t have the means to apply it to my life?

  I sit on the floor with my legs crossed and my chin resting in my hand. First one tear then another one slides down my cheek and onto my lap, making wet spots, darkening the color of the denim where they land.

  I insisted on giving Sabrina back her jeans.

  “No, no, no keep them!” she exclaimed. “I hardly even wear them anymore.”

  I need those jeans a heck of a lot more than she does, but they don’t belong to me.

  “Nope, they’re yours,” I said and balanced them on her shoulder because she wouldn’t take them. She absolutely would not miss those jeans, but I refuse to accept handouts.

  Why can’t I just be Eve? Beauty queen hair tied up with perfection and a closetful of cocktail dresses to go along with it. Or Sabrina. Or Melody. God, her life is perfect. I’ve been stalking her on Instagram and it’s just one envy-inducing picture after another. When she’s not teaching people how to be like her, she gallivants around the globe doing cool things and looking amazing while doing them. Her Instagram is curated by the My Life is Awesome Gallery of grainy filters and long, lithesome limbs.

  At the grocery store, I was shocked to discover how expensive just a single pound of chicken is, and the Greek Yogurt Melody recommended is twice as much as the sugar laden one I’m used to buying. I thought I might join a gym to get fit, but between the initiation fee, the monthly fee, and the annual fee, I was so confused and overwhelmed, I quit looking.

  I dig through my nightstand and pull out Fundamentals of Personal Growth. Feel Good More Often...Don’t just set goals, reach them...Make your dream job a reality. I frantically flip through the pages, searching for inspiration. But how? I need someone to tell me exactly what to do. I thought I was beginning to understand how this whole feel good thing works, but right now I might as well be reading Russian. Angrily, I toss the book across the room. It hits the wall and falls to the ground with a soft thud that’s far too quiet and not at all reflective of my rage. That incredible high I felt in acting class, performing my monologue for Earl, is gone. Sitting here now, staring at the white walls of my tiny studio, that feeling seems further away than ever. The sound of the neighbor’s toilet flushing travels through paper thin walls, reminding me of all the money I’ve spent on Chloe Dillon. Money I didn’t have, down the toilet because I’m unfixable.

  It dawns on me that life is a twisted lottery that not everyone is meant to win, and I allow the vortex of negativity I’ve so cunningly avoided for the last few months to draw me in. I can’t stop, and it’s not just because I don’t have a stupid dress to wear to a stupid party. I mean it is, but it isn’t. How silly of me to think that going to a modeling school could miraculously change my life. It’s only 8:00 p.m., but I take off my casual Friday mom jeans, turn out the lights, and fall into bed, pulling the covers up around my ears. Maybe my closet will look different in the morning.

  Chapter 24

  We have all agreed to meet at my house and go together from there. I offered to be the designated driver, but apparently Sabrina wants us to all to get drunk. Ben the bartender wasn’t available and Uber wasn’t good enough, so she’s arranged to have the car service her dad uses for clients take us there and bring us back. It seems a little ridiculous to me, but that’s Sabrina. Afterwards, they’re going to spend the night at my house, slumber party style. Sabrina offered up her house, and as much as I’d love to spend the night in her cool pad, I insisted I host everyone here, even if it is kind of awkward entertaining in what is essentially my bedroom.

  I wasn’t quite sure how this was all going to go down, considering Sabrina’s inexplicable distaste for Tessa, but neither one of them put up any kind of fuss as the plans were made. I’m going to roll with it and hope they get along and play nice for my sake if for no other reason.

  Tessa arrives first, in a pair of dressy, off-white lace shorts and a silky black peplum top. Her harsh, white blonde hair sits in an elegant bun atop her head. She’s learning to tone down the make up some and it’s a big improvement.

  “I’m so glad you’re coming,” I say, hugging her at the door.

  She places her duffel bag on the floor. “Me too,” she says with a bright smile.

  “Lexi! You look amazing. The outfit is perfect.”

  “Thank you so much for all of your help Tessa. I couldn’t have found it without help... wouldn’t have,” I say earnestly.

  I don’t look amazing right now because of anything that came out of my closet. In fact, I’m still in shock about how this came to be.

  Last night, I went to bed so early, I was up at 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning. I lay in bed for a few minutes this morning, contemplating my predicament, determined to bounce back from the night before. This little bump in the road wouldn’t throw me back down that horrible dark well I’ve been so astutely clawing my way out of. I could either throw together something out of my closet and suck it up and feel so so about myself tonight, or I could go shopping. I thought about my credit card balance and almost decided not to. At the last minute, I changed my mind.

  I texted Tessa to find out where she shops.

  “Let’s go together. I need shoes.”

  She suggested DSW, Designer Shoe Warehouse, and we met there as soon as it opened. Rows and rows of shoes lined hundreds of shelves as far as the eye can see. I felt like a kid in a candy store. I followed Tessa past all the rows of regular priced shoes and straight to the clearance section in the back.

  “This is the only section I shop in,” she said, heading over to her smaller sizes while I went to the big foot section. She helped me decide on a pair of strappy, snake print heels on sale for $29.99.

  We went to Forever 21 for the outfit search. The place was total sensory overload. I didn’t even know where to start, but Tessa took control. I shook my head at a few of the things she picked up, but she wasn’t having it.

  Shopping for clothes is typically an exercise in frustration because everything I try on would look so much better if only I were a size or two smaller. Will always said he liked his women with a little meat on their bones. I guess that was supposed to make me feel better.

  I humored Tessa and took a few of her suggestions. Into the fitting room I went, where we narrowed it down to two figure flattering options. I walked towards the register with both, hugging them to my body, not wanting to let go. I’d already imagined them gleaming amidst the assorted rags in my closet.

  Tessa suggested it first. “Can you get both?”

  I scrunched up my face. “Two outfits wasn’t part of the plan. Well, neither was one really, but you know...”

  I could wear the second one to Sabrina’s party. I might as well, right? No. Can’t do it. I started to turn around and hand one back to the attendant, but Tessa stopped me.

  “Just get them both, Alexis,” she said with a tiny but sincere smile on her face. “You deserve this. And you’re just gonna have to go out and find another outfit later if you don’t. Look, I know what it’s like to be strapped for cash, but sometimes you just have to let it go and go with it.”

  I held out the outfits in front of me again. There was simply no way I could choose. I loved them both. I needed them both.

  “Okay, fine. You twisted my arm.” I handed the cashier my clothes and only flinched a little when she said $88.59.

  Tessa echoed my thoughts. “See? Not bad at all for two complete outfits.”

  I pushed away guilty thoughts about spending money I don’t really have because getting new clothes is supposed to be fun and I’d like to enjoy it.

  I was dreading the party before, but once I had the perfect outfit, I couldn’t wait to get home and start getting ready. Hours later, I have no regrets. I still can’t believe I went out and spent $115.00 on a whim, but when I think about all I’m getting in return, I know it’s money well spent. Confidence is priceless.r />
  I chose the black flared leather skirt and chambray top for tonight. I did the full on makeup application—foundation, powder, eyeliner, eye shadow, mascara, blush and lipstick. The works. I even got the layering effect right on the eye shadow, making the light brown flecks in my eyes stand out. I finagled my hair into the half up, half down style with undone bun Melody taught us.

  The doorbell rings.

  “Can you get that?” I call out to Tessa from the kitchen.

  I hear the door open and close, but no talking. Only silence. Uh, oh. It must be Sabrina. I don’t want to leave them alone for too long, so I quickly pull out the cheese and crackers platter I prepped earlier and hurry out to the living area. Sabrina perches on one end of the tiny futon, looking pretty but mean in a deep purple, loose fitting tank and black leather skinny pants with zips at the ankle. Tessa sits stiffly on the other end, staring at the wall. Seriously? They can’t even make polite conversation?

  “Hello,” I say to Sabrina, placing the platter on the side table, which also doubles as my coffee table, and hand her a glass of wine.

  “Where’s the rest of your stuff?” I ask, eyeing the tiny, leather, cross body bag near her feet.

  “All I need is underwear, a toothbrush and something to put on tomorrow. I’m sure you have anything else.”

  I admire her minimalism. I’m a chronic over-packer, even for just one night.

  When Sabrina notices my outfit, she rises quickly to her feet.

  “Oh. My. Gosh. Lexi. You look freaking amazing! Did you go shopping?” she asks.

  “Uh huh,” I say, nodding my head, mustering a guilty as charged look on my face even though I’m not feeling so guilty anymore. “This girl went shopping!”

  “Do you mean to tell me that you picked this outfit all by yourself? You did great! But you know I would have gone with you.”

  An awkward beat of silence fills the room, as I flash a tight lipped smile in Tessa’s direction.

  Sabrina glances at Tessa then back at me, knowingly nodding her head.

  “Aaaahhh, I get it. Tessa went shopping with you. Well, isn’t that nice?” she says sarcastically.

  “Seriously, Sabrina. When I woke up this morning, the furthest thing from my mind was shopping. I told you, I’m broke or else we would have already gone. But I had nothing—and I mean nothing—to wear. You know what’s in my closet. I made a split decision to go shopping, and I texted Tessa to find out where she shops because I know she’s on a budget like me... so she just decided to come...”

  I feel like I’ve cheated on Sabrina with Tessa and now I have to talk my way out of it to save my relationship.

  “Oh, yeah, totally last minute,” Tessa pipes up in my defense. “I needed some shoes, so I invited myself along.”

  Sabrina narrows her eyes at Tessa and takes a long swig of wine, downing half of it, but says nothing.

  “Okay, what is up with you two?” I ask with a slight edge in my voice. “Why can’t you be friends? What’s the problem? I don’t understand this animosity, this tension that seems to fill the air whenever you’re in the same room.” They glance at each other but neither says a word.

  I stare at them in disbelief. Are they really just going to sit here and ignore me? “What?” I yell out in total frustration, glancing back and forth between the two as they stand mutely, neither one budging. I take a deep breath. “Look, I’m going to get a glass of wine and when I come back, I need answers. One of you is going to tell me something,” I say, stalking into the kitchen.

  I hate confrontation and I hate it when people don’t get along. I take a long sip of wine then pour myself a little more, straining my ears to hear the muted murmurs coming from the living room.

  I give them a few minutes, take another deep breath and head back in there, planting myself on the futon between them, legs crossed. “Okay. Start talking.”

  “It’s not my fault she’s a gold digger,” Sabrina bursts out.

  A gold digger. What’s that supposed to mean?

  Tessa lets out an exhausted sigh and says, very quietly, “I dated her father.”

  “You what?” I say to her. Sabrina’s father has to be twice her age.

  “Yeah. And by dated, she means milked my father for everything she could get until he finally dumped her just like he dumps everyone else.”

  “Can someone please elaborate?”

  Tessa begins. “I met Sabrina’s dad at the station a few years ago. He’s one of their consultants in the legal department and I happened to run into him there one day as I was getting off work. I had a coffee in my hand. He bumped into me. The lid fell off and some of it spilled. So, he offered to buy me another one from the coffee stand downstairs. I let him buy me the coffee and that was it. I didn’t think anything of it and I didn’t see him again until the holiday party a few months later. Open bar. Everyone gets stupid. You know the deal. We danced. I was outside about to get an Uber, but he offered his car service to take me home. He asked for my number. I gave it to him. Next thing I know, we were dating.”

  “Sabrina, how old is your dad?”

  “He’s in his fifties but he thinks he’s in his thirties,” Sabrina says disgustedly. “You know that rich older guy who’s obsessed with the gym and eating right so he can stay looking as young on the outside as he feels on the inside and enjoys the company of younger women? Yeah, that’s my dad.”

  Wow. That’s a thirty year age difference.

  “Honestly, I didn’t even realize how old he was until a few dates in—”

  “What she means to say is that my dad is rich, so in that case, age is nothing but a number,” Sabrina interrupts, glaring at Tessa. “You had to have some idea that he wasn’t exactly your age, him being a millionaire and all.”

  Tessa looks down at her hands and when she looks up again, her cheeks are flaming red and her lips pursed tightly.

  “I’m not going to sit here and lie and tell you that I didn’t see his wealth as a positive or that it never crossed my mind that if we got married, I wouldn’t have to worry about money anymore. I thought about it. Does that make me such a bad person?”

  “Yeah, I think it does, considering it’s the only reason you continued going out with him and let him propose to you even though you didn’t really love him. I mean, how could you after three months? And really, what could you two have possibly had in common? My dad never even had the courtesy to introduce me to you. He just announced it one day, casually, over lunch, that he was getting married.”

  “So what happened? Why didn’t you get married?” I ask.

  “My dad came to his senses, thank God. He realized he’d gotten a little carried away trying to hook someone in her twenties. And she even kept the ring.”

  “He wouldn’t take it back!” Tessa sputters.

  “I need another drink.” Sabrina abruptly gets up and goes to the kitchen.

  “Would you have gone through with it?” I ask Tessa.

  “I don’t know,” she says, shrugging her shoulders. “I felt incredibly stupid about the whole thing when he broke it off. We were only engaged for a few months. I keep trying to ask myself if I really loved him or if I just loved the idea of him. I don’t even know,” she says, shaking her head.

  At that moment, the doorbell rings. It’s probably Talya. As I get up to answer the door, Tessa makes a beeline for the restroom and Sabrina comes back into the living room.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” I hiss.

  “It’s embarrassing,” she says, shaking her head. “I admit he looks really good and it’s hard to guess his age, but that’s no excuse. My dad is a ridiculous man whore who would rather run around with any pretty thing in a skirt than do what he should have done a long time ago and marry my mom. I’d rather people didn’t know. Especially when it involves someone in my acting and modeling class who is half his age.”

  The doorbell rings a second time. “Talya! Thank goodness you’re here,” I say, ushering her inside, towards the kitchen.
Opening a second bottle of wine, I refill my glass while I’m there.

  Tessa comes out of the bathroom and says hello to Talya in a voice oozing with overdone enthusiasm, while Sabrina uncrosses her arms, waving listlessly in her general direction. Talya stares curiously at each of us. I pick up the cheese platter and insist that everyone take a few bites before setting it back down. Once we’re settled on the futon, quietly nibbling on cheese and crackers, I try to cut the tension with polite conversation.

  “I love your dress,” I say to Talya. It looks more like an oversized T-shirt that would probably look like a potato sack on any normal person but on Talya, belted at her tiny waist, it’s just short enough that she still manages to look sexy. Her jewel adorned flats dress up her otherwise plain outfit perfectly.

  “Thanks,” she says.

  “So what’s up with David? How was your double date?” I ask, trying to draw Sabrina into the conversation too.

  Sabrina perks up with interest as Talya tells us that the double date went well.

  “David is really nice. It was fun, right?” she asks Sabrina.

  “Well, you know I’m just dying for any opportunity to date Ben,” Sabrina says sarcastically. “I really took one for the team to play matchmaker.”

  “He’s very humble and smart. He doesn’t seem so into himself, which I like. We’ve gone on a few more dates.”

  “So, is there chemistry?” I ask.

  Talya smiles shyly and nods her head. “Yes, I think so.”

  I remember when I used to get butterflies in my stomach when I talked about Will, and happily realize I haven’t cried about him in a while.

  “Good job, Cupid,” I say to Sabrina. “Can you help me out next?” I pick up my glass and stand up. “I’d like to propose a toast. I seriously can’t believe I’m here in this room with you stylish, sexy ladies. I haven’t made any new friends in a really, really long time and when I finally do, they’re gorgeous supermodels? I mean, really?” I say.